Nervous... nervous... nervous... why?

Recently, I've been really nervous. I'm not really awaiting anything... not planning anything... I've just been generally nervous and worried. Why? I have no clue? I'm starting to be more concerned about what people think of me in particular which doesn't help with the whole nervous and worried factor. NERRRRVOUUUSSS!!! (not shaking nervous though).

I recently... (about a month ago) got a call from an old friend I had stopped being friends with for various reasons but I guess the simplest explanation is that somewhere along the line, we had just stopped being friends with each other and started to be each other's bad bits. I'm sure we both have our own reasons for what happened but that's in the past and I'm sure there were a lot of things unsaid and misunderstood on both ends. We're both a little hard headed and internet chatting well... you can imagine I was initially a little shocked, surprised, still hurting from what happened previously even though I'd really like to forget it and then my brain went into all the scenarios of why she would contact me all of the sudden. I decided after a little bit of consulting with my close friends to not call her back. I just didn't feel I needed the drama in my life anymore. I wanted to be above all of that. But I still find myself thinking about our friendship when it used to be good, fun and hilarious. When we were less critical of each other, when we just accepted each other for the crazies that we were, assumed everything said and unsaid was said with love and with each other's best interest in mind. The times when we were kind to each other. I'm not sure when that all stopped happening, I guess there is no way to pin point the moment, but I still remember the hilarious moments we had in the past and how much I'd like for all of that to happen again. I wouldn't have traded the experience of this friendship for anything. I'm not sure if I'm ready to call her, but I guess you can say, I'm glad she called. I'm nervous as to whether I should call her back or not. I'm not sure how much we've both changed since then or if things are exactly the same way. I'm not sure if I feel I can speak openly to her about things and certainly not if I feel attacked. Even though I made the conscious decision not to call her, I'm still thinking of whether to call her back or to just forget the whole thing. Just thinking about those good times reminds me that we do have some kind of connection. NERVOUS!

On a similar note, Kate White from UNAC called and asked if I could make myself available to be in a conference call for some strategic program planning for CANIMUN 09'. This makes me assume that CANIMUN 09' may happen but considering how miserable I felt at the last one with the clique and the drama and the Sean-Styled planning methods. I really do not want to be part of a conference where things are so disorganized. I got the staff to the conference, their hotels booked, position papers in to the staff well in advanced. I guess I got my job done and everyone got here safely... so I guess I did it well. What annoyed me was I just really didn't like having to apologize for things I couldn't do anything about and that should've been taken care of well advance of the conference by other staff members (COUGH** Sean). Sean is good for getting funding... he's got his role but planning so not much his forte. Sean's now having the time of his life in Thailand and I'm so glad for him. I totally understand Sean was not a very good conference planner, but as a staffer for CANIMUN we're all on the same team and need to help each other even when its not asked of us. You do what you can, and what you can't do you can't do. How the team got so cliquey and un-team like is beyond me. It looks like it was built up from previous years of 'sean-esque' planning. With this conference call and perhaps a new year of CANIMUN revamp, I really hope that the team can come together and we can all support each other instead of being so ... well un-teamlike. See more NERVOUS!!! (I told Kate I don't want Sean's job but liked the job I had... but since there isn't a Sean replacement right now... I'm in on all conference call until they find a Sean replacement.)

NERVOUS NERVOUS... I guess I'm afraid people won't be helpful or they'll think I'm incompetent. But I guess I gotta drive to push myself to prove my worth. NERVOUS.