Belief that Everyone has a Good Heart.... essentially

Its been quite the day today. I'm emotionally drained and I wish the world would just go away. For the first time, I actually imagined myself jumping off a building. I assure you, I'm not suicidal but I think perhaps that my brain telling me I'm at my wits end. My tearducts just keep on truckin' and as I'm sitting here typing this blog I can't help but tear up. I don't want to be sad and I don't want to play the poor me card. I really just don't want to think about this anymore but I find myself thinking about it over and over again.

What seemed like something that can be listed as one of my proudest moments has somehow turned into something I'd rather not think of anymore. How can one person make you feel so belittled, so worthless and so unwanted? I'm not one that goes out for international popularity. In high school, I was always the odd one out and I've accepted that as the kind of person I am. I know people would be surprised to find out I wasn't the "popular girl" at school but I wasn't, and yes it hurt for awhile then you grow up and accept it as part of who you are. I'm generally a happy, helpful person who will do whatever it takes to get the job done. Download 100+ position papers, no problem, I'll do it if it needs to be done. As my boss says, there's the get it done people and the people pleasers amongst a host of other generalization on people's work ethic. I'm a get it done kind of person. So how did something so good go astray?

I think the whole situation goes back further than the CANIMUN conference. Way back and back. I'm not very good at expressing my anger or my disagreement with people. Especially if that person is very set in their way and very stubborn. I guess you can say I give up before I start because there is no point in debating something that I know won't go anywhere. You can't reason with someone who is unreasonable as my boss says. But unfortunately, package that with my "naive" nature to believe all of my friends have a good heart, I start making excuses for them. Excuses and ignorance of my own anger is never a good combination I think. It just makes a combination that gets neglected until it explodes. I have to find a better way to deal with my own emotional problems.

I can't believe someone can be without tact, reason and some sense of reservation. Regardless of friends, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, wife/husband, whether you believe yourself to be someone who is direct or something who likes to sugar coat things, reservation and reason should be at all times considered. To know the other person and react accordingly to that person's needs and feelings. To be considerate and think before reaction. To be PROACTIVE instead of REACTIVE.

I think that being proactive is really important in anything you do. Being reactive never did anyone any good. What good is it to get over emotional, to blame others, to jump to conclusions? Especially with friends, it is never good to jump to conclusion because if you respected them and knew them well, one could never do that. What good is it to complain constantly? To nag? To put people down? Take that energy to another place. Find a solution and be proactively solving the problem. Stop complaining, nagging and putting people down and talking behind people's back.

If you do talk behind someone's back unintentionally, then it could've been something you would've said to the person's face but never go the chance because that person always had the "last word" or "first word" or pretty much "all the words". But observation and insult are two different things. An insult is intentional to hurt someone to say bad things about people consciously. Observations is seeing something about the way you interact with someone like taking people in "doses". Not everyone can interact with others constantly, there's a time and a place.

I'm tired, I'm emotionally exhausted, I feel like ... muddy water.

Friends trust each other, friends are considerate, they listen, they are concerned, they stand up for you instead of loving the sound of their own voice, they appreciate, they don't jump to conclusions, they try to make your life easier instead of harder, they listen to you when you are upset instead of trying to stir the pot, they make you feel special when everything else seems grey, most importantly, friends know how to tell you like it is without hurting your feelings.

-A