Why have I become such a recluse?!

Mind you, I'm no JD Salinger, but it seems that lately, I've chosen to stay at home and just relax more often than go out and drink at bars with my friends. Not to mention, I've studied harder this year too and even got an A on my fourth year thesis (which I think is a personal accomplishment). But sadly, I think recently all my happiness has been derived from my success in academic work rather than at my life in general. Happiness is such a fickle friend. Let me start my story from the beginning (which starts aout 8 hours ago):

Wednesday was my last exam this semester. It was Theories of Advertising and Graphic Design. Brilliant, loved the course and the professor (who was kind of a relax sort of guy). I had written him a christmas card and as I was giving to him, he asked if I had any interest in going into advertising as a profession (he also happened to know I was graduating from a previous conversation). I said perhaps but I'm not really sure yet. I had taken an internship two years ago at an advertising firm in Toronto. I love the atmosphere, the creative energy, the entire hustle and bustle of every day activity in the agency. But I did realize one very important thing, you've got to have an ego to go into advertising or you won't succeed. I think with professions such as finance, law, medicine and pretty much any of the two 2 tier glamour professions (advertising being on the 2nd tier), you've got to have somewhat of an ego. When I say ego, I am referring to an amount of self absorbed-ness. Which leads me to wonder how self absorbed am I to want to work in advertising?! But I'll leave that for another day.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what to do after graduation. I talked to my mother about grad school in visual culture. My prof suggested it would be a good fit for me and I took her recommendation to heart since she is the head of the communications department at my house and the admissions dean for the visual culture masters program. She also told me to take a look at the international affairs masters from the Norman Patterson School of Foreign Affairs in Ottawa (the only one of its kind) in doing a masters in foreign affairs. I think she got this idea after I presented my fourth year thesis on the Millennium Development Goals and its involvement in visual culture and art. I had gone to a seminar on working at the UN at my school a little ways back and this woman who had worked at the UN all her life had said "If you are going to work at the UN you have to be willing to GIVE your life to the UN. I've never married, never had kids, cause when you work at the UN, it becomes a way of life." Which now begs the question, how much am I willing to give up? How much are we all willing to give up to live our ultimate dream (not saying my ultimate dream is to work for the UN, cause its not). I would like to get married eventually (long eventually) and perhaps have kids... (don't hold your breath) but am I willing to give these two things up to have the ultimate job? Will this ultimate job even make me happy? To finish my spiel about my discussion with my mother, she doesn't want me to go to grad school even if I get in. And like a good ol' asian parent she wants me to go find a job. Mind you we had a HUGE HUGE argument over this (seems like a repeat of the one we had when I decided to switch majors...) . Pretty much ended with me crying on the phone.

To round out the discussion about my advertising prof. He had offered to refer me to several top-notch advertising agencies in Toronto because he thought my graphic and my advertising work was amazing and that he would give a call to a couple of the CEOs he knew in Toronto. Aww, what a nice thought. But what about my dream in working for Foreign Affairs Canada? Working in diplomacy? Being an ambassador? I'm at a cross-road. I know advertising won't make me ultimately happy. Its not what I'm passionate about. Perhaps there is lots of time to do what I want. I recently am thinking that perhaps the actions of my prof coming to me was perhaps a sign that I should try my hand in that first. But I am afraid if I do, I will get so involved in it that I will forget my dream of going into Foreign Affairs Canada.

I've always said that when one's life is at a crossroad, something will happen that will guide you in the right direction. Perhaps this one is mine. I only pray that another one comes around soon so I can be more confident in my decision. To answer why I'm such a recluse lately, I think I've been thinking about what to do after university that I started to take life rather TOO seriously. Thinking too much. But personally, I think perhaps I've grown out of partying... (yes I might have just said that). Mind you I love the patios in the summer with friends and the lounging in chic lounges in DT Toronto, but I think I'm done with the college keggers and the crazy drink fests. I think this is my cue to graduate from this institution and thank god cause it couldn't have come any sooner. I will continue my learning at perhaps UT taking political science courses and further my interest in economics as well. Can't deny myself, I love learning.

Cheers that you will find your ultimate happiness,
- A

Selfishness and Objectivity (or there lack of)

I can't help but to feel bad. Over the last couple of days, I had to pick my committee for McMUN. I didn't get my application only committee and realized I should have probably worked harder on the application instead of just spitting some pure crap out. Then I realized I needed to pick from the list. At first nothing interested me. I mean I knew it had to be either the serbian cabinet, the UNSC or the USNSC. All decent. All small. All most likely interesting. At first I didn't want the USNSC cause I really could care less about US politics. Then I thought Serbian would be cool. THEN, I remembered how much Ryan (the prez) wanted that committee. He really really wanted it. The UNSC was.. meh.. not really my style.. don't really care and I really wanted to get the chance to role play a character finally.

So I decided to go ask Ryan if he would look at the other ones and see if there was anything else he would want. Knowing how bad he wanted Serbian cabinet. I know it, i was being difficult, a douche and a bitch all at one go. I know he is a great delegate. He is amazing. Anything he says, I would believe him, plus there is a lot of respect I have for him. Anyway... he agreed to give me the serbian cabinet at the end for UNSC. This is where internal conflict started. How can you personally feel GOOD, or just.. right by taking something someone wanted so much especially some you respected so much and was a friend to. I couldn't in all good concious do it. I'm serious, I can't, its too hard... I felt awful, I felt guilty, I felt like CRAP. I knew before I asked Ryan, if I asked him he would probably say yes even if he really wanted it. He is a nice guy trying to do a nice thing. Crap. Hence why I shouldn't even have asked. This tug of war in my feelings suck (for a lack of better words). Anyway, we talked about it... and he got a position on a role play at harvard, so now I even want Serbian more... cause then me mark and ryan will have the chance to role play this year. Dam it. This sucks butt. Anyway I gave Ryan the decision of picking his. and then I will pick mine so at least its democractic where the president picks first than the VP. Secretly.. still want Serbian. I'm awful.. I know.. dam it.. I'm driving a nail into my own heart. F....k......


-A