Selfishness and Objectivity (or there lack of)

I can't help but to feel bad. Over the last couple of days, I had to pick my committee for McMUN. I didn't get my application only committee and realized I should have probably worked harder on the application instead of just spitting some pure crap out. Then I realized I needed to pick from the list. At first nothing interested me. I mean I knew it had to be either the serbian cabinet, the UNSC or the USNSC. All decent. All small. All most likely interesting. At first I didn't want the USNSC cause I really could care less about US politics. Then I thought Serbian would be cool. THEN, I remembered how much Ryan (the prez) wanted that committee. He really really wanted it. The UNSC was.. meh.. not really my style.. don't really care and I really wanted to get the chance to role play a character finally.

So I decided to go ask Ryan if he would look at the other ones and see if there was anything else he would want. Knowing how bad he wanted Serbian cabinet. I know it, i was being difficult, a douche and a bitch all at one go. I know he is a great delegate. He is amazing. Anything he says, I would believe him, plus there is a lot of respect I have for him. Anyway... he agreed to give me the serbian cabinet at the end for UNSC. This is where internal conflict started. How can you personally feel GOOD, or just.. right by taking something someone wanted so much especially some you respected so much and was a friend to. I couldn't in all good concious do it. I'm serious, I can't, its too hard... I felt awful, I felt guilty, I felt like CRAP. I knew before I asked Ryan, if I asked him he would probably say yes even if he really wanted it. He is a nice guy trying to do a nice thing. Crap. Hence why I shouldn't even have asked. This tug of war in my feelings suck (for a lack of better words). Anyway, we talked about it... and he got a position on a role play at harvard, so now I even want Serbian more... cause then me mark and ryan will have the chance to role play this year. Dam it. This sucks butt. Anyway I gave Ryan the decision of picking his. and then I will pick mine so at least its democractic where the president picks first than the VP. Secretly.. still want Serbian. I'm awful.. I know.. dam it.. I'm driving a nail into my own heart. F....k......


-A