Interesting predicament... and I'm not so sure how I'm suppose to feel. Recently, my team at work went down from 5 people to 2, so now it is just myself and my boss and one of the ACDs is also gone. I also recently found out my boss (the one that is still here) had a falling out with the ACD that just left - and I think she's quite content that he is gone. The other ACD had arranged for a party at Remy's tonight for the ACD that left and surprise surprise my boss is left off the guest list. But so am I? What gives? The ACD that is still here, I feel likes me very much, she is always asking me to do things for her and she even says she trusts me and that I'm great. So what's the deal? Seriously. I hope it is not as shallow as my boss. Because if it is... well... looks like I need to find another industry to love because this one is getting a little too shallow for me. It's kind of upsetting... I'm not sure how to handle it, and I've tried to bring it up with my boss but that's really going no where and she's just avoiding. Oh well, whatever.
It's just that.. this ACD that is still here, I've done SOO much for her and even stuff I didn't need to do. I'm almost to the point of ridiculously nice to her and I don't even need to be. I'm helpful, I listen to her and not to mention, I just.... ya, I don't get it. And it makes me feel all the effort I put in to help her out is complete and utter crap. Seriously. Crap. So am I suppose to keep being so helpful and nice to her? Probably... but you can sure bet that everytime I am nice to her, in the back of my mind, I will be weary. I hate when people make me feel so down on life and on others. I hate that I need to always be cautious of things like that.
Ok that's my rant.. that's it... that was my 5 mins to wallow and now I'm discarding and proceeding.
-A
Friday, May 1, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
My Atticus Under-30 Essay Entry
Privacy 2.0: The Private Life of Social Networking
Alice has started working on her Atticus entry. 12:53pm via Twitter.com
Alice is brainstorming subjects for Atticus. Privacy and social networking in the time of participatory politics? 12:55pm via Twitter.com:
Fifty years ago, the television brought a new dimension to political communications when John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon appeared on a national televised debate. Over the radio, Nixon sounded sharp, smart and knowledgeable – the obvious winner to most radio listeners. However on television, audiences were mesmerized by the sight of Kennedy, a young, dashing presidential candidate from Massachusetts, who looked directly at the camera – captivating his audience with his confident body language. It was Kennedy who won the Presidential election in 1961.
Today, nearly 50 years after this revolutionary debate, another milestone has been reached with the inauguration of the United States President Barack Obama – the first inauguration to be viewed by millions through the use of online video streaming. As the internet continues to expand in capabilities, users are given increasingly more tools to contribute, collaborate and engage in conversations, debates and policy initiatives that are changing the way we communicate – with each other and with our government. No longer do you have to wait for the six o’clock news. Just log onto Twitter, Facebook or Friendster for the latest news, as posted by users on their statuses. Better yet, log onto BBC, CNN and CBC for updates throughout the day. You can even elect to send them to your Blackberry.
“Faster, more efficient, more functional!” the consumers cried out. The market answered their call with a single device that acts as a cellphone/radio/TV/internet device/camera/barcode scanner packed into an attractive, portable accessory. Our need to be faster, more efficient and more functional characterizes the direction of our technological evolution. Furthermore, our desire for efficiency and convenience has bred technological convergence. With the ability to update and purchase items online with our multifunctional gadgets, we have allowed ourselves to consciously and subconsciously disperse our personal information. From small actions such as updating Twitter to entering your credit card number, this information is logged and data is generated. In fact, our need to feel connected and contribute to larger conversations, in synergy with technological convergence, will subconsciously evolve the way we perceive and value our privacy. The price of connectivity is your privacy.
Fifty years from now, advertising will have completely switched from mass and target audience marketing to personalized advertising, specific to an individual’s exact needs. What factors push us in this particular direction? Large changes start with the smallest of decisions. Social networking will encourage us to share our every thought and insight. As we become infatuated with convenient methods of connectivity, we will continue to update our blogs, update our statuses and share each other’s thoughts with greater frequency – distributing our ideas and influencing a large audience with little to no effort. To maintain this new status quo, our seemingly innocent infatuation with connectivity and technology will become a necessity. Connectivity makes us feel as though we are part of something bigger than ourselves in a world of individualism. No one has 1,049 friends in the analog world, but on Facebook, we do. As our need becomes more urgent and technology converges to make it even easier to connect, a paradigm shift will occur adjusting the way we perceive connectivity. Our dependence on connectivity will make it easy for us to hand over private information because we are consistency rewarded with efficiency and increased methods of personalization.
As newspaper advertising sales continue to fall, and technological convergence facilitates new modes of personalized advertising, we will begin to see less need for various media outlets. Digital media will be the only media, not only because of its ease but also because of the environmental implications of print advertising. Moreover, digital media will become more advanced giving way to unprecedented, measurable methods of studying the individual consumer – from tracking purchases to websites visited. Under the shroud of “faster, more efficient and increased functionality,” we’ll entrust our personal information to the unknown; trading privacy for efficiency for the sake of convenience. We already see the beginnings of this with Facebook and its ability to partner with various websites to create personalized advertising. Evolving from online to government applications, digital identity cards are the next wave of accessibility and convenience. But as social networking encourages us to stay connected and technologies converge for accessibility and convenience’s sake, we may start to see our personal electronic devices become our personal identity. One small handheld device will be everything you need. So the question becomes: how much of your privacy are you willing to give up for the sake of feeling connected and efficient?
An onslaught of technological convergence, personal advertising and digital identity issues will change the face of privacy and how we view it over the next 50 years. Advertising will change to suit the needs of a new generation for which connectivity is the fuel for progress measured in megabytes. Tailored, efficient, effective and multifunctional technology will identify who you are, what you like and what you buy.
Alice is sending you a friend request. 2:30pm via Twitter.com.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Nervous... nervous... nervous... why?
Recently, I've been really nervous. I'm not really awaiting anything... not planning anything... I've just been generally nervous and worried. Why? I have no clue? I'm starting to be more concerned about what people think of me in particular which doesn't help with the whole nervous and worried factor. NERRRRVOUUUSSS!!! (not shaking nervous though).
I recently... (about a month ago) got a call from an old friend I had stopped being friends with for various reasons but I guess the simplest explanation is that somewhere along the line, we had just stopped being friends with each other and started to be each other's bad bits. I'm sure we both have our own reasons for what happened but that's in the past and I'm sure there were a lot of things unsaid and misunderstood on both ends. We're both a little hard headed and internet chatting well... you can imagine I was initially a little shocked, surprised, still hurting from what happened previously even though I'd really like to forget it and then my brain went into all the scenarios of why she would contact me all of the sudden. I decided after a little bit of consulting with my close friends to not call her back. I just didn't feel I needed the drama in my life anymore. I wanted to be above all of that. But I still find myself thinking about our friendship when it used to be good, fun and hilarious. When we were less critical of each other, when we just accepted each other for the crazies that we were, assumed everything said and unsaid was said with love and with each other's best interest in mind. The times when we were kind to each other. I'm not sure when that all stopped happening, I guess there is no way to pin point the moment, but I still remember the hilarious moments we had in the past and how much I'd like for all of that to happen again. I wouldn't have traded the experience of this friendship for anything. I'm not sure if I'm ready to call her, but I guess you can say, I'm glad she called. I'm nervous as to whether I should call her back or not. I'm not sure how much we've both changed since then or if things are exactly the same way. I'm not sure if I feel I can speak openly to her about things and certainly not if I feel attacked. Even though I made the conscious decision not to call her, I'm still thinking of whether to call her back or to just forget the whole thing. Just thinking about those good times reminds me that we do have some kind of connection. NERVOUS!
On a similar note, Kate White from UNAC called and asked if I could make myself available to be in a conference call for some strategic program planning for CANIMUN 09'. This makes me assume that CANIMUN 09' may happen but considering how miserable I felt at the last one with the clique and the drama and the Sean-Styled planning methods. I really do not want to be part of a conference where things are so disorganized. I got the staff to the conference, their hotels booked, position papers in to the staff well in advanced. I guess I got my job done and everyone got here safely... so I guess I did it well. What annoyed me was I just really didn't like having to apologize for things I couldn't do anything about and that should've been taken care of well advance of the conference by other staff members (COUGH** Sean). Sean is good for getting funding... he's got his role but planning so not much his forte. Sean's now having the time of his life in Thailand and I'm so glad for him. I totally understand Sean was not a very good conference planner, but as a staffer for CANIMUN we're all on the same team and need to help each other even when its not asked of us. You do what you can, and what you can't do you can't do. How the team got so cliquey and un-team like is beyond me. It looks like it was built up from previous years of 'sean-esque' planning. With this conference call and perhaps a new year of CANIMUN revamp, I really hope that the team can come together and we can all support each other instead of being so ... well un-teamlike. See more NERVOUS!!! (I told Kate I don't want Sean's job but liked the job I had... but since there isn't a Sean replacement right now... I'm in on all conference call until they find a Sean replacement.)
NERVOUS NERVOUS... I guess I'm afraid people won't be helpful or they'll think I'm incompetent. But I guess I gotta drive to push myself to prove my worth. NERVOUS.
I recently... (about a month ago) got a call from an old friend I had stopped being friends with for various reasons but I guess the simplest explanation is that somewhere along the line, we had just stopped being friends with each other and started to be each other's bad bits. I'm sure we both have our own reasons for what happened but that's in the past and I'm sure there were a lot of things unsaid and misunderstood on both ends. We're both a little hard headed and internet chatting well... you can imagine I was initially a little shocked, surprised, still hurting from what happened previously even though I'd really like to forget it and then my brain went into all the scenarios of why she would contact me all of the sudden. I decided after a little bit of consulting with my close friends to not call her back. I just didn't feel I needed the drama in my life anymore. I wanted to be above all of that. But I still find myself thinking about our friendship when it used to be good, fun and hilarious. When we were less critical of each other, when we just accepted each other for the crazies that we were, assumed everything said and unsaid was said with love and with each other's best interest in mind. The times when we were kind to each other. I'm not sure when that all stopped happening, I guess there is no way to pin point the moment, but I still remember the hilarious moments we had in the past and how much I'd like for all of that to happen again. I wouldn't have traded the experience of this friendship for anything. I'm not sure if I'm ready to call her, but I guess you can say, I'm glad she called. I'm nervous as to whether I should call her back or not. I'm not sure how much we've both changed since then or if things are exactly the same way. I'm not sure if I feel I can speak openly to her about things and certainly not if I feel attacked. Even though I made the conscious decision not to call her, I'm still thinking of whether to call her back or to just forget the whole thing. Just thinking about those good times reminds me that we do have some kind of connection. NERVOUS!
On a similar note, Kate White from UNAC called and asked if I could make myself available to be in a conference call for some strategic program planning for CANIMUN 09'. This makes me assume that CANIMUN 09' may happen but considering how miserable I felt at the last one with the clique and the drama and the Sean-Styled planning methods. I really do not want to be part of a conference where things are so disorganized. I got the staff to the conference, their hotels booked, position papers in to the staff well in advanced. I guess I got my job done and everyone got here safely... so I guess I did it well. What annoyed me was I just really didn't like having to apologize for things I couldn't do anything about and that should've been taken care of well advance of the conference by other staff members (COUGH** Sean). Sean is good for getting funding... he's got his role but planning so not much his forte. Sean's now having the time of his life in Thailand and I'm so glad for him. I totally understand Sean was not a very good conference planner, but as a staffer for CANIMUN we're all on the same team and need to help each other even when its not asked of us. You do what you can, and what you can't do you can't do. How the team got so cliquey and un-team like is beyond me. It looks like it was built up from previous years of 'sean-esque' planning. With this conference call and perhaps a new year of CANIMUN revamp, I really hope that the team can come together and we can all support each other instead of being so ... well un-teamlike. See more NERVOUS!!! (I told Kate I don't want Sean's job but liked the job I had... but since there isn't a Sean replacement right now... I'm in on all conference call until they find a Sean replacement.)
NERVOUS NERVOUS... I guess I'm afraid people won't be helpful or they'll think I'm incompetent. But I guess I gotta drive to push myself to prove my worth. NERVOUS.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Belief that Everyone has a Good Heart.... essentially
Its been quite the day today. I'm emotionally drained and I wish the world would just go away. For the first time, I actually imagined myself jumping off a building. I assure you, I'm not suicidal but I think perhaps that my brain telling me I'm at my wits end. My tearducts just keep on truckin' and as I'm sitting here typing this blog I can't help but tear up. I don't want to be sad and I don't want to play the poor me card. I really just don't want to think about this anymore but I find myself thinking about it over and over again.
What seemed like something that can be listed as one of my proudest moments has somehow turned into something I'd rather not think of anymore. How can one person make you feel so belittled, so worthless and so unwanted? I'm not one that goes out for international popularity. In high school, I was always the odd one out and I've accepted that as the kind of person I am. I know people would be surprised to find out I wasn't the "popular girl" at school but I wasn't, and yes it hurt for awhile then you grow up and accept it as part of who you are. I'm generally a happy, helpful person who will do whatever it takes to get the job done. Download 100+ position papers, no problem, I'll do it if it needs to be done. As my boss says, there's the get it done people and the people pleasers amongst a host of other generalization on people's work ethic. I'm a get it done kind of person. So how did something so good go astray?
I think the whole situation goes back further than the CANIMUN conference. Way back and back. I'm not very good at expressing my anger or my disagreement with people. Especially if that person is very set in their way and very stubborn. I guess you can say I give up before I start because there is no point in debating something that I know won't go anywhere. You can't reason with someone who is unreasonable as my boss says. But unfortunately, package that with my "naive" nature to believe all of my friends have a good heart, I start making excuses for them. Excuses and ignorance of my own anger is never a good combination I think. It just makes a combination that gets neglected until it explodes. I have to find a better way to deal with my own emotional problems.
I can't believe someone can be without tact, reason and some sense of reservation. Regardless of friends, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, wife/husband, whether you believe yourself to be someone who is direct or something who likes to sugar coat things, reservation and reason should be at all times considered. To know the other person and react accordingly to that person's needs and feelings. To be considerate and think before reaction. To be PROACTIVE instead of REACTIVE.
I think that being proactive is really important in anything you do. Being reactive never did anyone any good. What good is it to get over emotional, to blame others, to jump to conclusions? Especially with friends, it is never good to jump to conclusion because if you respected them and knew them well, one could never do that. What good is it to complain constantly? To nag? To put people down? Take that energy to another place. Find a solution and be proactively solving the problem. Stop complaining, nagging and putting people down and talking behind people's back.
If you do talk behind someone's back unintentionally, then it could've been something you would've said to the person's face but never go the chance because that person always had the "last word" or "first word" or pretty much "all the words". But observation and insult are two different things. An insult is intentional to hurt someone to say bad things about people consciously. Observations is seeing something about the way you interact with someone like taking people in "doses". Not everyone can interact with others constantly, there's a time and a place.
I'm tired, I'm emotionally exhausted, I feel like ... muddy water.
Friends trust each other, friends are considerate, they listen, they are concerned, they stand up for you instead of loving the sound of their own voice, they appreciate, they don't jump to conclusions, they try to make your life easier instead of harder, they listen to you when you are upset instead of trying to stir the pot, they make you feel special when everything else seems grey, most importantly, friends know how to tell you like it is without hurting your feelings.
-A
What seemed like something that can be listed as one of my proudest moments has somehow turned into something I'd rather not think of anymore. How can one person make you feel so belittled, so worthless and so unwanted? I'm not one that goes out for international popularity. In high school, I was always the odd one out and I've accepted that as the kind of person I am. I know people would be surprised to find out I wasn't the "popular girl" at school but I wasn't, and yes it hurt for awhile then you grow up and accept it as part of who you are. I'm generally a happy, helpful person who will do whatever it takes to get the job done. Download 100+ position papers, no problem, I'll do it if it needs to be done. As my boss says, there's the get it done people and the people pleasers amongst a host of other generalization on people's work ethic. I'm a get it done kind of person. So how did something so good go astray?
I think the whole situation goes back further than the CANIMUN conference. Way back and back. I'm not very good at expressing my anger or my disagreement with people. Especially if that person is very set in their way and very stubborn. I guess you can say I give up before I start because there is no point in debating something that I know won't go anywhere. You can't reason with someone who is unreasonable as my boss says. But unfortunately, package that with my "naive" nature to believe all of my friends have a good heart, I start making excuses for them. Excuses and ignorance of my own anger is never a good combination I think. It just makes a combination that gets neglected until it explodes. I have to find a better way to deal with my own emotional problems.
I can't believe someone can be without tact, reason and some sense of reservation. Regardless of friends, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, wife/husband, whether you believe yourself to be someone who is direct or something who likes to sugar coat things, reservation and reason should be at all times considered. To know the other person and react accordingly to that person's needs and feelings. To be considerate and think before reaction. To be PROACTIVE instead of REACTIVE.
I think that being proactive is really important in anything you do. Being reactive never did anyone any good. What good is it to get over emotional, to blame others, to jump to conclusions? Especially with friends, it is never good to jump to conclusion because if you respected them and knew them well, one could never do that. What good is it to complain constantly? To nag? To put people down? Take that energy to another place. Find a solution and be proactively solving the problem. Stop complaining, nagging and putting people down and talking behind people's back.
If you do talk behind someone's back unintentionally, then it could've been something you would've said to the person's face but never go the chance because that person always had the "last word" or "first word" or pretty much "all the words". But observation and insult are two different things. An insult is intentional to hurt someone to say bad things about people consciously. Observations is seeing something about the way you interact with someone like taking people in "doses". Not everyone can interact with others constantly, there's a time and a place.
I'm tired, I'm emotionally exhausted, I feel like ... muddy water.
Friends trust each other, friends are considerate, they listen, they are concerned, they stand up for you instead of loving the sound of their own voice, they appreciate, they don't jump to conclusions, they try to make your life easier instead of harder, they listen to you when you are upset instead of trying to stir the pot, they make you feel special when everything else seems grey, most importantly, friends know how to tell you like it is without hurting your feelings.
-A
Friday, January 18, 2008
What makes one happy vs. what makes one successful?
Its been awhile since I wrote anything on this online journal and I think its time I start writing again. This past semester, my last semester in university, as been very self revealing. I learned more about what's important to me and the potential that I have when I really put my mind to something. I'm rather proud of my thesis paper I wrote... I titled it "Global Civil Society and its Effect on Non-Governmental Organizations" and of course the visuals I created for my fourth year seminar class on Strategic Communications for a campaign for child poverty in Kitchener Waterloo. I loved doing it.... what's more both of these things made me happy.
I'm on the job hunt now. I was hoping to get a job before I ended university but I guess things don't always go the way I want them to. I'm a candidate for BBDO as an account coordinator for Mercedes Benz and for Johnson&Johnson and Wrigley's. I am also up for a job in Ottawa as a strategic planner/account manager for a strategic graphic design firm H3Creative. I'm currently volunteering my time at UNAC (the United Nations Assoc. of Canada) as the Chief of Staff and the Chargee d'Affair for the CANIMUN (Canadian International Model United Nations Conference) which is happening in March. I love my job at CANIMUN because it combines what I'm good at (aka. managing people and events) and my belief that perhaps I'm not the best person to enter ground work for the UN however, I can encourage those young people who do have the guts and the power to do such things to go out and do them. There are so many students out there that want to help, but have no idea how to get involved. This is my chance to help and to get them involved.
Which brings us back to the title of this blog which is happy vs. successful. Does success breed happiness? Of course! Perhaps not the center of all happiness however, it does bring us joy to know we did a good job. However, I also think success is a green eyed monster. Success to those who define it as not only doing well at their job but as being famous, well known, looked up to, to achieve attention... that kind of success may be detrimental at the end. What if I want to be happy and successful in life? I want to be able to define success as me being happy. I want a job that makes me happy. Will advertising for Mercs or J&J make me happy? I'm not so sure. These are both prestigious positions at a very well known advertising firm however whom am I helping? Whom is benefiting from my work? The consumer? (The consumer that purchase goods to only waste more precious resources we don't have?) The corporation? (The corporation that only cares about the bottom line? The corporation that cares very little about how the goods are made but they are made cheaply to be sold cheap to people in wealthier countries?). I am a UNAC volunteer, I was the head delegate of my UN team at school, I wrote papers about NGO reconstruction, about elimination of child poverty, about humanitarian photography exhibitions that tell a story. By taking those jobs these.. prestigious, glamour jobs, am I losing myself and what I believe in? I know I don't seek to be rich though I don't want to be thinking about money either. I don't need a mansion and a pretty car. I don't need the newest and best electronic devices. What makes me smile is not my job, I am not my job, I am what I believe in. I think what I"m trying to say is that my heart is torn between alluring prestige and honest contributing work that would better this world. There are not many people who would join the UN, who believe in a better government, who believe that this world can be better if we try. Given the chance to make millions of dollars vs. helping someone, its easy to see how people would choose personal gain.
I was watching the constant gardener tonight for the 2nd time with my mother and I was just thinking there is this scene where there is a woman, a child and a man and they are walking back from the city where they had just gone to see the doctor. It will take them the entire day to walk home. A couple was in a jeep driving and the woman asks the man to pull over and to pick up these unfortunate people.
Man Says: "We can't afford to involve ourselves in their lives Tessa"
Tessa asks "Why?"
Man says "Be reasonable, there are millions of people, they all need help. Its what the agencies are here for"
Tessa says "Yeah, but these are three people WE can help".
I'm not out to help everyone and everything and try to bring world peace. But at least, in my life on this green earth I call home, I'd like to see it just a little better. To know I did my part to help someone else would make me feel accomplished. So perhaps the answer seems clear. Why work for Mercs when I could work for a small advertising form generating community messages. To plan galas to fund raise money to help those who cannot help themselves? I know I gotta help myself before others, but if I have a job, then I can start to think of ways to help others. Perhaps working for H3 would be better as I would get to do a lot more. I won't rip my soul apart trying to find ways to repair the damage I've done working for multi million dollar corporations only to gain mlllions of more dollars to pollute the air.
It does seem stupid that I have to think over this decision. But I want prestige but not if the cost is that high I think.
A song by Yael Naim - New Soul
I'm a new soul I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take.
But since I came here felt the joy and the fear finding myself making every possible mistake
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
I'm a young soul in this very strange world hoping I could learn a bit about what is true and fake.
But why all this hate? Try to communicate finding just that love is not always easy to make.
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
This is a happy end cause' you don't understand everything you have done why's everything so wrong
this is a happy end come and give me your hand I'll take your far away.
Cheers,
A.
I'm on the job hunt now. I was hoping to get a job before I ended university but I guess things don't always go the way I want them to. I'm a candidate for BBDO as an account coordinator for Mercedes Benz and for Johnson&Johnson and Wrigley's. I am also up for a job in Ottawa as a strategic planner/account manager for a strategic graphic design firm H3Creative. I'm currently volunteering my time at UNAC (the United Nations Assoc. of Canada) as the Chief of Staff and the Chargee d'Affair for the CANIMUN (Canadian International Model United Nations Conference) which is happening in March. I love my job at CANIMUN because it combines what I'm good at (aka. managing people and events) and my belief that perhaps I'm not the best person to enter ground work for the UN however, I can encourage those young people who do have the guts and the power to do such things to go out and do them. There are so many students out there that want to help, but have no idea how to get involved. This is my chance to help and to get them involved.
Which brings us back to the title of this blog which is happy vs. successful. Does success breed happiness? Of course! Perhaps not the center of all happiness however, it does bring us joy to know we did a good job. However, I also think success is a green eyed monster. Success to those who define it as not only doing well at their job but as being famous, well known, looked up to, to achieve attention... that kind of success may be detrimental at the end. What if I want to be happy and successful in life? I want to be able to define success as me being happy. I want a job that makes me happy. Will advertising for Mercs or J&J make me happy? I'm not so sure. These are both prestigious positions at a very well known advertising firm however whom am I helping? Whom is benefiting from my work? The consumer? (The consumer that purchase goods to only waste more precious resources we don't have?) The corporation? (The corporation that only cares about the bottom line? The corporation that cares very little about how the goods are made but they are made cheaply to be sold cheap to people in wealthier countries?). I am a UNAC volunteer, I was the head delegate of my UN team at school, I wrote papers about NGO reconstruction, about elimination of child poverty, about humanitarian photography exhibitions that tell a story. By taking those jobs these.. prestigious, glamour jobs, am I losing myself and what I believe in? I know I don't seek to be rich though I don't want to be thinking about money either. I don't need a mansion and a pretty car. I don't need the newest and best electronic devices. What makes me smile is not my job, I am not my job, I am what I believe in. I think what I"m trying to say is that my heart is torn between alluring prestige and honest contributing work that would better this world. There are not many people who would join the UN, who believe in a better government, who believe that this world can be better if we try. Given the chance to make millions of dollars vs. helping someone, its easy to see how people would choose personal gain.
I was watching the constant gardener tonight for the 2nd time with my mother and I was just thinking there is this scene where there is a woman, a child and a man and they are walking back from the city where they had just gone to see the doctor. It will take them the entire day to walk home. A couple was in a jeep driving and the woman asks the man to pull over and to pick up these unfortunate people.
Man Says: "We can't afford to involve ourselves in their lives Tessa"
Tessa asks "Why?"
Man says "Be reasonable, there are millions of people, they all need help. Its what the agencies are here for"
Tessa says "Yeah, but these are three people WE can help".
I'm not out to help everyone and everything and try to bring world peace. But at least, in my life on this green earth I call home, I'd like to see it just a little better. To know I did my part to help someone else would make me feel accomplished. So perhaps the answer seems clear. Why work for Mercs when I could work for a small advertising form generating community messages. To plan galas to fund raise money to help those who cannot help themselves? I know I gotta help myself before others, but if I have a job, then I can start to think of ways to help others. Perhaps working for H3 would be better as I would get to do a lot more. I won't rip my soul apart trying to find ways to repair the damage I've done working for multi million dollar corporations only to gain mlllions of more dollars to pollute the air.
It does seem stupid that I have to think over this decision. But I want prestige but not if the cost is that high I think.
A song by Yael Naim - New Soul
I'm a new soul I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take.
But since I came here felt the joy and the fear finding myself making every possible mistake
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
I'm a young soul in this very strange world hoping I could learn a bit about what is true and fake.
But why all this hate? Try to communicate finding just that love is not always easy to make.
la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
This is a happy end cause' you don't understand everything you have done why's everything so wrong
this is a happy end come and give me your hand I'll take your far away.
Cheers,
A.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Vertical Horizon
I know you want an explanation, a reason, anything to settle that tugging emptiness inside you. I know my words aren't comforting... I know knowing I am happy won't be any consolation. However, you'll always be in my heart and if nothing that makes me smile. For this I am grateful you are in my life.
"He's everything you want,
He's everything you need,
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be.
He says all the right things,
At exactly the right time,
But he means nothing to you
and you don't know why..."
Forever and always part of my heart belongs to you....
"He's everything you want,
He's everything you need,
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be.
He says all the right things,
At exactly the right time,
But he means nothing to you
and you don't know why..."
Forever and always part of my heart belongs to you....
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
I would sing to you...
Janice, Wei Lan -- Never let you go
the rain, just never seems to bring
the joy, I feel the same,
everlasting pain of my loss remains
My heart, can't seem to learn to part
the hold you left your mark
all that I dreamed of now it seems so stark
Tho I told myself won't hold my breath
a part of me was dying
there is nothing left for me to do now, but give in
If you gave me, one chance to tell you how I was feeling
I would sing to you and tell you I won't live my life without you
if you gave me, one chance to tell you how I was feeling
I would hold your hand and look in your eyes and ya know, I'd never let you go
The way, you left me on the train
I don't know what to say
I remember everything of that day
I can't, believe we'd never dance
I just need one more chance
to share the sunset our one last romance
Tho I told myself won't hold my breath
a part of me was dying
there is nothing left for me to do now, but give in
If you gave me, one chance to tell you how I was feeling
I would sing to you and tell you I won't live my life without you
if you gave me, one chance to tell you how I was feeling
I would hold your hand and look in your eyes and ya know, I'd never let you go
the rain, just never seems to bring
the joy, I feel the same,
everlasting pain of my loss remains
My heart, can't seem to learn to part
the hold you left your mark
all that I dreamed of now it seems so stark
Tho I told myself won't hold my breath
a part of me was dying
there is nothing left for me to do now, but give in
If you gave me, one chance to tell you how I was feeling
I would sing to you and tell you I won't live my life without you
if you gave me, one chance to tell you how I was feeling
I would hold your hand and look in your eyes and ya know, I'd never let you go
The way, you left me on the train
I don't know what to say
I remember everything of that day
I can't, believe we'd never dance
I just need one more chance
to share the sunset our one last romance
Tho I told myself won't hold my breath
a part of me was dying
there is nothing left for me to do now, but give in
If you gave me, one chance to tell you how I was feeling
I would sing to you and tell you I won't live my life without you
if you gave me, one chance to tell you how I was feeling
I would hold your hand and look in your eyes and ya know, I'd never let you go
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Do people only have one "great" love?
Actually, no, don't answer that. Perhaps there is no "great" just "pretty good" or "bearable". Or perhaps its not just "great", it's "extraordinary", "I would give you the t.v. remote amazing".
Either way...
We only get one dance, one look, one kiss, that's all we get, Just... one shot, to make the difference between "happily ever after," and "oh? it's just some person I went to some thing with once.".
Eventually that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the *hell* did I jump?
But here I am falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly... is you.
Cheers,
-A
Either way...
We only get one dance, one look, one kiss, that's all we get, Just... one shot, to make the difference between "happily ever after," and "oh? it's just some person I went to some thing with once.".
Eventually that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the *hell* did I jump?
But here I am falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly... is you.
Cheers,
-A
Monday, May 21, 2007
Seriously?!
WTF? Ok, I'm sorry, but I'm downright pissed right now and feel I must get it out on paper. BLOOOOODY... seriously.
When a friend tells you "... wondered how seriously i take you, and i said not so much" what the hell is that suppose to mean? Especially if its someone you actually care about.. especially if that person is someone who always says how much they appreciate your friendship etc, whom you've given advice to previously and them appreciating it and ... WTF? Ok seriously, I don't even know how to response to X person. I am lost for words.. and probably more hurt that I can express right now. Actually no, I am hurt, I'm crying damn it. Love if fleeting. That one sentence has shook my world. Thank you for completely making me conscious of every friendship I have now. THIS IS WHY I AM NOT OPEN WITH PEOPLE. You asked me why? Now you know.
I think perhaps, its that "take you seriously" part that I really cherish in friendships. If you don't take me seriously then why would I waste my breath on you? I'm sorry, but I think that just ruined a friendship. I don't think there is really anything person X can say that will recover from this one sentence. I don't really think there is any other way to take that.
Ok, I'm just going to let myself wallow in this for about 30 seconds and move on. Person X really doesn't deserve much more than 30 seconds.
-A
When a friend tells you "... wondered how seriously i take you, and i said not so much" what the hell is that suppose to mean? Especially if its someone you actually care about.. especially if that person is someone who always says how much they appreciate your friendship etc, whom you've given advice to previously and them appreciating it and ... WTF? Ok seriously, I don't even know how to response to X person. I am lost for words.. and probably more hurt that I can express right now. Actually no, I am hurt, I'm crying damn it. Love if fleeting. That one sentence has shook my world. Thank you for completely making me conscious of every friendship I have now. THIS IS WHY I AM NOT OPEN WITH PEOPLE. You asked me why? Now you know.
I think perhaps, its that "take you seriously" part that I really cherish in friendships. If you don't take me seriously then why would I waste my breath on you? I'm sorry, but I think that just ruined a friendship. I don't think there is really anything person X can say that will recover from this one sentence. I don't really think there is any other way to take that.
Ok, I'm just going to let myself wallow in this for about 30 seconds and move on. Person X really doesn't deserve much more than 30 seconds.
-A
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
OSWar(e): One Death is a Tragedy, a Million is a Statistic
A Recent Composition I wrote for my Fourth Year Seminar: The Operating System of War
Please Note: It was a response to a book - PostModern War (by Hables Gray)
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Please Note: It was a response to a book - PostModern War (by Hables Gray)
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As far back as our childhood games, we have been taught that power is an influential asset. Who and what we have power over enables us to identify ourselves with a certain group, the type of leader we become and ultimately, it demonstrates our personal importance within the social sphere. The appearance that power can be gained, given and coerced into giving and similarly be easily or forcefully taken away parallels with our fear for ambiguity. . Throughout history, there has been evidence of power struggles between the primarily dominant western civilizations and the Eastern and African civilizations, perceived to be exotic and barbarian. This is demonstrated in the 1700s when
America is an adolescent compared to European civilizations built on enormous volumes of bloody history through conquering and occupation. In contrast, America was modeled on a Republic after independence. America was a promise of a monarch-free modernity away from traditional European politics and culture. Thousands of years of history enable nations to stir passion and drive more easily than a nation with a lack remembrance of what occupation and conquering feels like. To rally up the support of a young nation like America is especially difficult when America is made up largely of immigrants. A united America is rooted largely in their obsession with freedom. However, freedom is a fickle friend, Political freedoms are not absolute, nor are they permanent. Freedoms granted in times of peace can be subtracted in times of war. However, governments must make war popular to gain moral support and restricting freedom is always unpopular with the masses. Democratic governments need to make war acceptable to the people and the dehumanization of war is the solution. Dehumanization convinces the public to support war and the soldiers to fight the war. The application of technology to war has improved soldiers’ performance in completing their missions. This is accomplished by technology’s role in dehumanizing fighting. Most soldiers are inherently reluctant to kill people, by dehumanizing the enemy technology makes it easier for soldiers to kill. The evidence that most modern states have become modern war states (Gray 110) is unmistakable in modern politics and economy of the 21st century. As technological advances de-mist the fog of war, the idea that wars can be rationalized through technology becomes a veil pulled over the eyes of the public redefining what is moral, just and virtuous in post modern warfare.
The development of technology progresses synonymously with the redefinition of the rules of warfare. Where previously, one army would shoot first and while reloading get shot by the opposing army, modern warfare seeks to create high-tech, low intensity conflict. In addition, armies used to fight for symbolic victories, instead of incinerating entire towns, armies would claim the town hall as a sign of victory. Modern warfare boosts catch phrases such as industrialized killing, balance sheet wars, strategic bombing, collateral damage, flight crews and soldiers as inventory, dehousing and network centric warfare. These phrases aspire to justify war as moral by constructing war as a business-like operation. We are made to believe outcomes can be predicted, targets can be accurately eliminated and ultimately war can be efficient. These terms were popularized from the rationalization of war through numbers demonstrated by the Kennedy administration during the Vietnam War when Robert S. McNamara accepted the position for the 8th Secretary of Defense for the United States. The Vietnam War was the first war fought on a electronic battlefield based on cost/benefit analysis; it was the first post-modern war. Prior to his position on the U.S. cabinet, McNamara had worked as an analyst during WWII making strategic bombing more efficient and popularizing the use of cost/benefit analysis. It is during this time that modern war catch phrases were pioneered and this dehumanized rhetoric of technique reduced the enemy to quantifiable abstractions therefore making collateral damage strangely lifeless and distant (Gray 136). Cost/benefit analysis is beneficial for making decisions in warfare however reduce living, breathing people to statistics and numbers making killing morally easier. Operations research analysis (OS), Operations analysis (OA) and Systems analysis (SA) became scientific methods to predict the outcome of decisions in warfare. Though scientific research did make precision bombing a reality, an astounding increase accuracy and decrease civilian causalities could not be further from the truth (Gray 141). In fact, data was biased in WWII to convince people of the efficiency of new technology. There was a lack of reports on missiles and bombs that did not make their targets, which is presumed to the majority of them. Precision bombing was still at its early stages however, more precise bombs could mean more of them being used causing more causalities rather than less.
The justification that modern war, through scientific research, can lead to strategic bombing with less collateral damage is easily a believable myth. However, this was a tactic used by the military to justify the mammoth military research spending during WWII and through to the Vietnam War. In the movie The Fog of War, McNamara relives his tales of the bombing of Japan during WWII and is astonished that “so many cities were already burned to the ground before nuclear bombs were even dropped”. The strategically planned firebombs on Tokyo, Kobe and Osaka, just to name a few, were leveled before nuclear bombs were dropped on Nagasaki and Hiroshima. What were the rules to this war? Nations possessing technology often have a ‘god-like’ complex because technology can lead to ultimate destruction of both sides. There is a very thin line to abusing the power of technology. As McNamara pointed out, if the U.S. had lost the war many generals would be have been charged as war criminals. A win justifies that the actions taken were morally right. This logic is flawed because not everything that wins is moral or right. But because a win means power, power holds a more significant position in our society and therefore we forgive those that would have seen to the absolute destruction of Japan. Rational individuals are capable of total annihilation but through the justification of war and through numbers and balance sheets, the actors in war have looked past the increasing body count and grouped all deaths into a single number on a balance sheet enabling the on-going justification of war despite evident immoral actions. As Joseph Stalin famously said “one death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic”.
If one could rationalize war through numbers, balance sheets, statistics and cost benefit analysis, then certainly the use of horrific weapons could also be rationalized. In 1980 through to the mid 1990s, the Geneva Convention was called upon to restrict the use of certain conventional weapons which were considered “excessively injurious” or that have “indiscriminate effects”. This stems from the Geneva Conventions called upon in the 1949 and again in 1977 to determine certain Laws of War (jus in bello) that were acceptable practices while engaged in destructive conflicts. However these laws are only applicable to countries that have consented to abide by them. Countries who have not consented can act as they please with discretion. Weapons deemed inappropriate included non-detectable fragments, landmines, incendiary weapons, blinding laser weapons and explosive remnants of war. Specifically these weapons include bayonets with serrated edges, dum dum bullets and napalm, surprisingly the section on incendiary weapons does not include the use of white phosphorous. The United Kingdom sought to justify the use of dum dum bullets on natives because ‘they don’t react to wounds the same way’. The United States validated the use of white phosphorous and napalm on the Vietnamese in a similar manner. And in Winston Churchill’s secret memo, he sought to rationalize the use of poisonous gas in Iraq as a ‘scientific expedient’ and that ‘it is absurd to consider morality on this topic (poisonous gas) when everybody used it in the last war without a word of complaint’ (globalization, pars.3). Churchill’s justification is the most puzzling as it implies that it is acceptable to make a region of Iraq inhabitable and destroy thousands of lives in the name of peace and expedient war.
Remembering that in ancient war, armies fought against armies, often in remote locations with specific rules of procedures. The idea of stepping outside of these rules of procedures was seen as barbaric and immoral. Society shifts from organization of soldiers to organization of the system of war battling on cost benefit analysis which changes the ideas of what is right and just in wars. This shift causes alteration in what is moral in the laws of war. As McNamara handsomely puts it, “human fallibility and human rationality will destroy nations’. Rationalization of war through science is not a bulletproof strategy to a virtuous war, nor is it an approach that will prevent us from total annihilation. Rational men can choose to destroy populations, cities and countries. The U.S. came incredibly close to total destruction during the Cuban Missile Crisis; the Kennedy administration had order a 182 Tonne warhead to be developed and Castro had ordered missiles to be ready to be fired. Rationality through science will not save us but destroy us at the end; a cycle of rationality through science and science funded by the military and the military needing rationality in war fuels the need for new technology. We are in dire need of a strong sense of traditional moral rights to be able to stop the bureaucracy of war lead by rationalization through science.
The way we have come to view morality in terms of war has been skewed by allowing ourselves to give excuses to cause more destruction in the name of power and peace. Developments in technology help to eliminate casualties on the side of the U.S. but to say that missiles have ‘low-intensity’ outcomes would be a blatant lie. The rationalization of war through science specifically by numbers and balance sheets and the idea that technology will solve all military problems, has led to a redefinition of what is moral, just and virtuous in post modern warfare. No matter how we justify the peace created from war, the causalities accumulated and the numbers of injured veterans is evidence of the devastating effects of modern technology in post-modern warfare. The United States had already made preparations for WWIII and IV, why prepare if national policy dictates prevention strategy from another world war? It seems that what politicians say and do are two very different things and perhaps explanatory of McNamara’s 7th piece of war advice: believing and seeing are often both wrong. McNamara relents “In order to win a war, is a nation morally justified in killing 100,000 civilians in one night but instead to lose hundreds of thousands of American lives in an invasion by Japan?”, lucky for McNamara, the U.S. won the second world war because if they had lost many U.S. officials would have been charged for war crimes.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Why have I become such a recluse?!
Mind you, I'm no JD Salinger, but it seems that lately, I've chosen to stay at home and just relax more often than go out and drink at bars with my friends. Not to mention, I've studied harder this year too and even got an A on my fourth year thesis (which I think is a personal accomplishment). But sadly, I think recently all my happiness has been derived from my success in academic work rather than at my life in general. Happiness is such a fickle friend. Let me start my story from the beginning (which starts aout 8 hours ago):
Wednesday was my last exam this semester. It was Theories of Advertising and Graphic Design. Brilliant, loved the course and the professor (who was kind of a relax sort of guy). I had written him a christmas card and as I was giving to him, he asked if I had any interest in going into advertising as a profession (he also happened to know I was graduating from a previous conversation). I said perhaps but I'm not really sure yet. I had taken an internship two years ago at an advertising firm in Toronto. I love the atmosphere, the creative energy, the entire hustle and bustle of every day activity in the agency. But I did realize one very important thing, you've got to have an ego to go into advertising or you won't succeed. I think with professions such as finance, law, medicine and pretty much any of the two 2 tier glamour professions (advertising being on the 2nd tier), you've got to have somewhat of an ego. When I say ego, I am referring to an amount of self absorbed-ness. Which leads me to wonder how self absorbed am I to want to work in advertising?! But I'll leave that for another day.
I've been thinking a lot lately about what to do after graduation. I talked to my mother about grad school in visual culture. My prof suggested it would be a good fit for me and I took her recommendation to heart since she is the head of the communications department at my house and the admissions dean for the visual culture masters program. She also told me to take a look at the international affairs masters from the Norman Patterson School of Foreign Affairs in Ottawa (the only one of its kind) in doing a masters in foreign affairs. I think she got this idea after I presented my fourth year thesis on the Millennium Development Goals and its involvement in visual culture and art. I had gone to a seminar on working at the UN at my school a little ways back and this woman who had worked at the UN all her life had said "If you are going to work at the UN you have to be willing to GIVE your life to the UN. I've never married, never had kids, cause when you work at the UN, it becomes a way of life." Which now begs the question, how much am I willing to give up? How much are we all willing to give up to live our ultimate dream (not saying my ultimate dream is to work for the UN, cause its not). I would like to get married eventually (long eventually) and perhaps have kids... (don't hold your breath) but am I willing to give these two things up to have the ultimate job? Will this ultimate job even make me happy? To finish my spiel about my discussion with my mother, she doesn't want me to go to grad school even if I get in. And like a good ol' asian parent she wants me to go find a job. Mind you we had a HUGE HUGE argument over this (seems like a repeat of the one we had when I decided to switch majors...) . Pretty much ended with me crying on the phone.
To round out the discussion about my advertising prof. He had offered to refer me to several top-notch advertising agencies in Toronto because he thought my graphic and my advertising work was amazing and that he would give a call to a couple of the CEOs he knew in Toronto. Aww, what a nice thought. But what about my dream in working for Foreign Affairs Canada? Working in diplomacy? Being an ambassador? I'm at a cross-road. I know advertising won't make me ultimately happy. Its not what I'm passionate about. Perhaps there is lots of time to do what I want. I recently am thinking that perhaps the actions of my prof coming to me was perhaps a sign that I should try my hand in that first. But I am afraid if I do, I will get so involved in it that I will forget my dream of going into Foreign Affairs Canada.
I've always said that when one's life is at a crossroad, something will happen that will guide you in the right direction. Perhaps this one is mine. I only pray that another one comes around soon so I can be more confident in my decision. To answer why I'm such a recluse lately, I think I've been thinking about what to do after university that I started to take life rather TOO seriously. Thinking too much. But personally, I think perhaps I've grown out of partying... (yes I might have just said that). Mind you I love the patios in the summer with friends and the lounging in chic lounges in DT Toronto, but I think I'm done with the college keggers and the crazy drink fests. I think this is my cue to graduate from this institution and thank god cause it couldn't have come any sooner. I will continue my learning at perhaps UT taking political science courses and further my interest in economics as well. Can't deny myself, I love learning.
Cheers that you will find your ultimate happiness,
- A
Wednesday was my last exam this semester. It was Theories of Advertising and Graphic Design. Brilliant, loved the course and the professor (who was kind of a relax sort of guy). I had written him a christmas card and as I was giving to him, he asked if I had any interest in going into advertising as a profession (he also happened to know I was graduating from a previous conversation). I said perhaps but I'm not really sure yet. I had taken an internship two years ago at an advertising firm in Toronto. I love the atmosphere, the creative energy, the entire hustle and bustle of every day activity in the agency. But I did realize one very important thing, you've got to have an ego to go into advertising or you won't succeed. I think with professions such as finance, law, medicine and pretty much any of the two 2 tier glamour professions (advertising being on the 2nd tier), you've got to have somewhat of an ego. When I say ego, I am referring to an amount of self absorbed-ness. Which leads me to wonder how self absorbed am I to want to work in advertising?! But I'll leave that for another day.
I've been thinking a lot lately about what to do after graduation. I talked to my mother about grad school in visual culture. My prof suggested it would be a good fit for me and I took her recommendation to heart since she is the head of the communications department at my house and the admissions dean for the visual culture masters program. She also told me to take a look at the international affairs masters from the Norman Patterson School of Foreign Affairs in Ottawa (the only one of its kind) in doing a masters in foreign affairs. I think she got this idea after I presented my fourth year thesis on the Millennium Development Goals and its involvement in visual culture and art. I had gone to a seminar on working at the UN at my school a little ways back and this woman who had worked at the UN all her life had said "If you are going to work at the UN you have to be willing to GIVE your life to the UN. I've never married, never had kids, cause when you work at the UN, it becomes a way of life." Which now begs the question, how much am I willing to give up? How much are we all willing to give up to live our ultimate dream (not saying my ultimate dream is to work for the UN, cause its not). I would like to get married eventually (long eventually) and perhaps have kids... (don't hold your breath) but am I willing to give these two things up to have the ultimate job? Will this ultimate job even make me happy? To finish my spiel about my discussion with my mother, she doesn't want me to go to grad school even if I get in. And like a good ol' asian parent she wants me to go find a job. Mind you we had a HUGE HUGE argument over this (seems like a repeat of the one we had when I decided to switch majors...) . Pretty much ended with me crying on the phone.
To round out the discussion about my advertising prof. He had offered to refer me to several top-notch advertising agencies in Toronto because he thought my graphic and my advertising work was amazing and that he would give a call to a couple of the CEOs he knew in Toronto. Aww, what a nice thought. But what about my dream in working for Foreign Affairs Canada? Working in diplomacy? Being an ambassador? I'm at a cross-road. I know advertising won't make me ultimately happy. Its not what I'm passionate about. Perhaps there is lots of time to do what I want. I recently am thinking that perhaps the actions of my prof coming to me was perhaps a sign that I should try my hand in that first. But I am afraid if I do, I will get so involved in it that I will forget my dream of going into Foreign Affairs Canada.
I've always said that when one's life is at a crossroad, something will happen that will guide you in the right direction. Perhaps this one is mine. I only pray that another one comes around soon so I can be more confident in my decision. To answer why I'm such a recluse lately, I think I've been thinking about what to do after university that I started to take life rather TOO seriously. Thinking too much. But personally, I think perhaps I've grown out of partying... (yes I might have just said that). Mind you I love the patios in the summer with friends and the lounging in chic lounges in DT Toronto, but I think I'm done with the college keggers and the crazy drink fests. I think this is my cue to graduate from this institution and thank god cause it couldn't have come any sooner. I will continue my learning at perhaps UT taking political science courses and further my interest in economics as well. Can't deny myself, I love learning.
Cheers that you will find your ultimate happiness,
- A
Friday, December 1, 2006
Selfishness and Objectivity (or there lack of)
I can't help but to feel bad. Over the last couple of days, I had to pick my committee for McMUN. I didn't get my application only committee and realized I should have probably worked harder on the application instead of just spitting some pure crap out. Then I realized I needed to pick from the list. At first nothing interested me. I mean I knew it had to be either the serbian cabinet, the UNSC or the USNSC. All decent. All small. All most likely interesting. At first I didn't want the USNSC cause I really could care less about US politics. Then I thought Serbian would be cool. THEN, I remembered how much Ryan (the prez) wanted that committee. He really really wanted it. The UNSC was.. meh.. not really my style.. don't really care and I really wanted to get the chance to role play a character finally.
So I decided to go ask Ryan if he would look at the other ones and see if there was anything else he would want. Knowing how bad he wanted Serbian cabinet. I know it, i was being difficult, a douche and a bitch all at one go. I know he is a great delegate. He is amazing. Anything he says, I would believe him, plus there is a lot of respect I have for him. Anyway... he agreed to give me the serbian cabinet at the end for UNSC. This is where internal conflict started. How can you personally feel GOOD, or just.. right by taking something someone wanted so much especially some you respected so much and was a friend to. I couldn't in all good concious do it. I'm serious, I can't, its too hard... I felt awful, I felt guilty, I felt like CRAP. I knew before I asked Ryan, if I asked him he would probably say yes even if he really wanted it. He is a nice guy trying to do a nice thing. Crap. Hence why I shouldn't even have asked. This tug of war in my feelings suck (for a lack of better words). Anyway, we talked about it... and he got a position on a role play at harvard, so now I even want Serbian more... cause then me mark and ryan will have the chance to role play this year. Dam it. This sucks butt. Anyway I gave Ryan the decision of picking his. and then I will pick mine so at least its democractic where the president picks first than the VP. Secretly.. still want Serbian. I'm awful.. I know.. dam it.. I'm driving a nail into my own heart. F....k......
-A
So I decided to go ask Ryan if he would look at the other ones and see if there was anything else he would want. Knowing how bad he wanted Serbian cabinet. I know it, i was being difficult, a douche and a bitch all at one go. I know he is a great delegate. He is amazing. Anything he says, I would believe him, plus there is a lot of respect I have for him. Anyway... he agreed to give me the serbian cabinet at the end for UNSC. This is where internal conflict started. How can you personally feel GOOD, or just.. right by taking something someone wanted so much especially some you respected so much and was a friend to. I couldn't in all good concious do it. I'm serious, I can't, its too hard... I felt awful, I felt guilty, I felt like CRAP. I knew before I asked Ryan, if I asked him he would probably say yes even if he really wanted it. He is a nice guy trying to do a nice thing. Crap. Hence why I shouldn't even have asked. This tug of war in my feelings suck (for a lack of better words). Anyway, we talked about it... and he got a position on a role play at harvard, so now I even want Serbian more... cause then me mark and ryan will have the chance to role play this year. Dam it. This sucks butt. Anyway I gave Ryan the decision of picking his. and then I will pick mine so at least its democractic where the president picks first than the VP. Secretly.. still want Serbian. I'm awful.. I know.. dam it.. I'm driving a nail into my own heart. F....k......
-A
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
what exactly are marks...
To lament on a well versed song, rewritten, of course, "MARKS! What is it good for absolutely nothing, sing it again!".
I was checking my marks today, through the one and only WebCT and it happened that my 2nd Essay had finally been marked by my professor. To tell you the truth, I was afraid of that class and more importantly, as a student, I was afraid of my marks from that class. Considering, the last time I actually went to that class I had to embarrassingly ask someone "am I in the right class? Is this religion and popular culture?"; long story short, the Prof lacked charisma, the text was more than boring and if the prof analyzes that Madonna music video (Like a Virgin) one more time, I was going to ... well to say the least, it didn't matter cause I hadn't seen the prof or the material since September. As you can clearly see, my concern was justified by my clear lack of interest. I took the course hoping that it would be an interesting segway into my interest in enlightenment and sadly enough I have neither had interest nor have been enlightened in the process. I should have taken econometrics instead at least that's a challenge.
I got an 85%, class average was 67% and my friends, fellow fourth year students, got 67% and 80% respectively. Here is where the conflict begins. On hearing I got a 85% they start freaking out. How was that possible? I never go to class, I never read the book, I barely know what the prof looks like let alone my TAs name (which is Ryan by the way, I just learned) while they attend class, do all the readings, participate in class discussion. This then made me think what are these profs marking on? What do marks really mean? Just because I get an A and you get a C does that mean I'm smarter than you, perhaps I know more?
I remember reading an article in high school about the American SATs to get into University in the States. Essentially, the sum of the article said that the SATs do not tell you how smart someone is. It shows you who has retained the most knowledge within the specified academic realm. So taking that into perspective... what do marks tell you?
We can obviously eliminate that marks DO NOT tell you how often someone goes to class, or how well someone understands the material. I personally didn't read the book, I didn't go to class, and I had no idea what was happening in that essay. Do marks tell you how smart someone is? I don't think so, essay writing is subjective and testing often privileges students with a particular style of learning (MC, short answer, T/F). Ok, so it doesn't tell you the efficiency of someone's study habits, doesn't tell you how smart someone is. So what are marks good for? Perhaps it is a measure of how well read someone is? I read a lot, I read a lot of different books on different subjects in different genres. If I could be a recluse for a year, all I would need is a camera, a massive massive massive stack of books, a pen and journal and some really good tunes (not on itunes7.. cause that program skips). Perhaps those that do better in school are those that are well read? Perhaps, the more one reads the more one questions the world, the more one essentially learns about their surroundings. Like the character in The Alchemist, we can either learn by reading or by looking. Or perhaps by doing both?
Alice
I was checking my marks today, through the one and only WebCT and it happened that my 2nd Essay had finally been marked by my professor. To tell you the truth, I was afraid of that class and more importantly, as a student, I was afraid of my marks from that class. Considering, the last time I actually went to that class I had to embarrassingly ask someone "am I in the right class? Is this religion and popular culture?"; long story short, the Prof lacked charisma, the text was more than boring and if the prof analyzes that Madonna music video (Like a Virgin) one more time, I was going to ... well to say the least, it didn't matter cause I hadn't seen the prof or the material since September. As you can clearly see, my concern was justified by my clear lack of interest. I took the course hoping that it would be an interesting segway into my interest in enlightenment and sadly enough I have neither had interest nor have been enlightened in the process. I should have taken econometrics instead at least that's a challenge.
I got an 85%, class average was 67% and my friends, fellow fourth year students, got 67% and 80% respectively. Here is where the conflict begins. On hearing I got a 85% they start freaking out. How was that possible? I never go to class, I never read the book, I barely know what the prof looks like let alone my TAs name (which is Ryan by the way, I just learned) while they attend class, do all the readings, participate in class discussion. This then made me think what are these profs marking on? What do marks really mean? Just because I get an A and you get a C does that mean I'm smarter than you, perhaps I know more?
I remember reading an article in high school about the American SATs to get into University in the States. Essentially, the sum of the article said that the SATs do not tell you how smart someone is. It shows you who has retained the most knowledge within the specified academic realm. So taking that into perspective... what do marks tell you?
We can obviously eliminate that marks DO NOT tell you how often someone goes to class, or how well someone understands the material. I personally didn't read the book, I didn't go to class, and I had no idea what was happening in that essay. Do marks tell you how smart someone is? I don't think so, essay writing is subjective and testing often privileges students with a particular style of learning (MC, short answer, T/F). Ok, so it doesn't tell you the efficiency of someone's study habits, doesn't tell you how smart someone is. So what are marks good for? Perhaps it is a measure of how well read someone is? I read a lot, I read a lot of different books on different subjects in different genres. If I could be a recluse for a year, all I would need is a camera, a massive massive massive stack of books, a pen and journal and some really good tunes (not on itunes7.. cause that program skips). Perhaps those that do better in school are those that are well read? Perhaps, the more one reads the more one questions the world, the more one essentially learns about their surroundings. Like the character in The Alchemist, we can either learn by reading or by looking. Or perhaps by doing both?
Alice
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