Mmm hopefully nice people don't always finish last

Interesting predicament... and I'm not so sure how I'm suppose to feel. Recently, my team at work went down from 5 people to 2, so now it is just myself and my boss and one of the ACDs is also gone. I also recently found out my boss (the one that is still here) had a falling out with the ACD that just left - and I think she's quite content that he is gone. The other ACD had arranged for a party at Remy's tonight for the ACD that left and surprise surprise my boss is left off the guest list. But so am I? What gives? The ACD that is still here, I feel likes me very much, she is always asking me to do things for her and she even says she trusts me and that I'm great. So what's the deal? Seriously. I hope it is not as shallow as my boss. Because if it is... well... looks like I need to find another industry to love because this one is getting a little too shallow for me. It's kind of upsetting... I'm not sure how to handle it, and I've tried to bring it up with my boss but that's really going no where and she's just avoiding. Oh well, whatever.

It's just that.. this ACD that is still here, I've done SOO much for her and even stuff I didn't need to do. I'm almost to the point of ridiculously nice to her and I don't even need to be. I'm helpful, I listen to her and not to mention, I just.... ya, I don't get it. And it makes me feel all the effort I put in to help her out is complete and utter crap. Seriously. Crap. So am I suppose to keep being so helpful and nice to her? Probably... but you can sure bet that everytime I am nice to her, in the back of my mind, I will be weary. I hate when people make me feel so down on life and on others. I hate that I need to always be cautious of things like that.

Ok that's my rant.. that's it... that was my 5 mins to wallow and now I'm discarding and proceeding.

-A

My Atticus Under-30 Essay Entry

Privacy 2.0: The Private Life of Social Networking

Alice has started working on her Atticus entry. 12:53pm via Twitter.com

Alice is brainstorming subjects for Atticus. Privacy and social networking in the time of participatory politics? 12:55pm via Twitter.com:

Fifty years ago, the television brought a new dimension to political communications when John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon appeared on a national televised debate. Over the radio, Nixon sounded sharp, smart and knowledgeable – the obvious winner to most radio listeners. However on television, audiences were mesmerized by the sight of Kennedy, a young, dashing presidential candidate from Massachusetts, who looked directly at the camera – captivating his audience with his confident body language. It was Kennedy who won the Presidential election in 1961.

Today, nearly 50 years after this revolutionary debate, another milestone has been reached with the inauguration of the United States President Barack Obama – the first inauguration to be viewed by millions through the use of online video streaming. As the internet continues to expand in capabilities, users are given increasingly more tools to contribute, collaborate and engage in conversations, debates and policy initiatives that are changing the way we communicate – with each other and with our government. No longer do you have to wait for the six o’clock news. Just log onto Twitter, Facebook or Friendster for the latest news, as posted by users on their statuses. Better yet, log onto BBC, CNN and CBC for updates throughout the day. You can even elect to send them to your Blackberry.

“Faster, more efficient, more functional!” the consumers cried out. The market answered their call with a single device that acts as a cellphone/radio/TV/internet device/camera/barcode scanner packed into an attractive, portable accessory. Our need to be faster, more efficient and more functional characterizes the direction of our technological evolution. Furthermore, our desire for efficiency and convenience has bred technological convergence. With the ability to update and purchase items online with our multifunctional gadgets, we have allowed ourselves to consciously and subconsciously disperse our personal information. From small actions such as updating Twitter to entering your credit card number, this information is logged and data is generated. In fact, our need to feel connected and contribute to larger conversations, in synergy with technological convergence, will subconsciously evolve the way we perceive and value our privacy. The price of connectivity is your privacy.

Fifty years from now, advertising will have completely switched from mass and target audience marketing to personalized advertising, specific to an individual’s exact needs. What factors push us in this particular direction? Large changes start with the smallest of decisions. Social networking will encourage us to share our every thought and insight. As we become infatuated with convenient methods of connectivity, we will continue to update our blogs, update our statuses and share each other’s thoughts with greater frequency – distributing our ideas and influencing a large audience with little to no effort. To maintain this new status quo, our seemingly innocent infatuation with connectivity and technology will become a necessity. Connectivity makes us feel as though we are part of something bigger than ourselves in a world of individualism. No one has 1,049 friends in the analog world, but on Facebook, we do. As our need becomes more urgent and technology converges to make it even easier to connect, a paradigm shift will occur adjusting the way we perceive connectivity. Our dependence on connectivity will make it easy for us to hand over private information because we are consistency rewarded with efficiency and increased methods of personalization.

As newspaper advertising sales continue to fall, and technological convergence facilitates new modes of personalized advertising, we will begin to see less need for various media outlets. Digital media will be the only media, not only because of its ease but also because of the environmental implications of print advertising. Moreover, digital media will become more advanced giving way to unprecedented, measurable methods of studying the individual consumer – from tracking purchases to websites visited. Under the shroud of “faster, more efficient and increased functionality,” we’ll entrust our personal information to the unknown; trading privacy for efficiency for the sake of convenience. We already see the beginnings of this with Facebook and its ability to partner with various websites to create personalized advertising. Evolving from online to government applications, digital identity cards are the next wave of accessibility and convenience. But as social networking encourages us to stay connected and technologies converge for accessibility and convenience’s sake, we may start to see our personal electronic devices become our personal identity. One small handheld device will be everything you need. So the question becomes: how much of your privacy are you willing to give up for the sake of feeling connected and efficient?

An onslaught of technological convergence, personal advertising and digital identity issues will change the face of privacy and how we view it over the next 50 years. Advertising will change to suit the needs of a new generation for which connectivity is the fuel for progress measured in megabytes. Tailored, efficient, effective and multifunctional technology will identify who you are, what you like and what you buy.

Alice is sending you a friend request. 2:30pm via Twitter.com.

Nervous... nervous... nervous... why?

Recently, I've been really nervous. I'm not really awaiting anything... not planning anything... I've just been generally nervous and worried. Why? I have no clue? I'm starting to be more concerned about what people think of me in particular which doesn't help with the whole nervous and worried factor. NERRRRVOUUUSSS!!! (not shaking nervous though).

I recently... (about a month ago) got a call from an old friend I had stopped being friends with for various reasons but I guess the simplest explanation is that somewhere along the line, we had just stopped being friends with each other and started to be each other's bad bits. I'm sure we both have our own reasons for what happened but that's in the past and I'm sure there were a lot of things unsaid and misunderstood on both ends. We're both a little hard headed and internet chatting well... you can imagine I was initially a little shocked, surprised, still hurting from what happened previously even though I'd really like to forget it and then my brain went into all the scenarios of why she would contact me all of the sudden. I decided after a little bit of consulting with my close friends to not call her back. I just didn't feel I needed the drama in my life anymore. I wanted to be above all of that. But I still find myself thinking about our friendship when it used to be good, fun and hilarious. When we were less critical of each other, when we just accepted each other for the crazies that we were, assumed everything said and unsaid was said with love and with each other's best interest in mind. The times when we were kind to each other. I'm not sure when that all stopped happening, I guess there is no way to pin point the moment, but I still remember the hilarious moments we had in the past and how much I'd like for all of that to happen again. I wouldn't have traded the experience of this friendship for anything. I'm not sure if I'm ready to call her, but I guess you can say, I'm glad she called. I'm nervous as to whether I should call her back or not. I'm not sure how much we've both changed since then or if things are exactly the same way. I'm not sure if I feel I can speak openly to her about things and certainly not if I feel attacked. Even though I made the conscious decision not to call her, I'm still thinking of whether to call her back or to just forget the whole thing. Just thinking about those good times reminds me that we do have some kind of connection. NERVOUS!

On a similar note, Kate White from UNAC called and asked if I could make myself available to be in a conference call for some strategic program planning for CANIMUN 09'. This makes me assume that CANIMUN 09' may happen but considering how miserable I felt at the last one with the clique and the drama and the Sean-Styled planning methods. I really do not want to be part of a conference where things are so disorganized. I got the staff to the conference, their hotels booked, position papers in to the staff well in advanced. I guess I got my job done and everyone got here safely... so I guess I did it well. What annoyed me was I just really didn't like having to apologize for things I couldn't do anything about and that should've been taken care of well advance of the conference by other staff members (COUGH** Sean). Sean is good for getting funding... he's got his role but planning so not much his forte. Sean's now having the time of his life in Thailand and I'm so glad for him. I totally understand Sean was not a very good conference planner, but as a staffer for CANIMUN we're all on the same team and need to help each other even when its not asked of us. You do what you can, and what you can't do you can't do. How the team got so cliquey and un-team like is beyond me. It looks like it was built up from previous years of 'sean-esque' planning. With this conference call and perhaps a new year of CANIMUN revamp, I really hope that the team can come together and we can all support each other instead of being so ... well un-teamlike. See more NERVOUS!!! (I told Kate I don't want Sean's job but liked the job I had... but since there isn't a Sean replacement right now... I'm in on all conference call until they find a Sean replacement.)

NERVOUS NERVOUS... I guess I'm afraid people won't be helpful or they'll think I'm incompetent. But I guess I gotta drive to push myself to prove my worth. NERVOUS.

Belief that Everyone has a Good Heart.... essentially

Its been quite the day today. I'm emotionally drained and I wish the world would just go away. For the first time, I actually imagined myself jumping off a building. I assure you, I'm not suicidal but I think perhaps that my brain telling me I'm at my wits end. My tearducts just keep on truckin' and as I'm sitting here typing this blog I can't help but tear up. I don't want to be sad and I don't want to play the poor me card. I really just don't want to think about this anymore but I find myself thinking about it over and over again.

What seemed like something that can be listed as one of my proudest moments has somehow turned into something I'd rather not think of anymore. How can one person make you feel so belittled, so worthless and so unwanted? I'm not one that goes out for international popularity. In high school, I was always the odd one out and I've accepted that as the kind of person I am. I know people would be surprised to find out I wasn't the "popular girl" at school but I wasn't, and yes it hurt for awhile then you grow up and accept it as part of who you are. I'm generally a happy, helpful person who will do whatever it takes to get the job done. Download 100+ position papers, no problem, I'll do it if it needs to be done. As my boss says, there's the get it done people and the people pleasers amongst a host of other generalization on people's work ethic. I'm a get it done kind of person. So how did something so good go astray?

I think the whole situation goes back further than the CANIMUN conference. Way back and back. I'm not very good at expressing my anger or my disagreement with people. Especially if that person is very set in their way and very stubborn. I guess you can say I give up before I start because there is no point in debating something that I know won't go anywhere. You can't reason with someone who is unreasonable as my boss says. But unfortunately, package that with my "naive" nature to believe all of my friends have a good heart, I start making excuses for them. Excuses and ignorance of my own anger is never a good combination I think. It just makes a combination that gets neglected until it explodes. I have to find a better way to deal with my own emotional problems.

I can't believe someone can be without tact, reason and some sense of reservation. Regardless of friends, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, wife/husband, whether you believe yourself to be someone who is direct or something who likes to sugar coat things, reservation and reason should be at all times considered. To know the other person and react accordingly to that person's needs and feelings. To be considerate and think before reaction. To be PROACTIVE instead of REACTIVE.

I think that being proactive is really important in anything you do. Being reactive never did anyone any good. What good is it to get over emotional, to blame others, to jump to conclusions? Especially with friends, it is never good to jump to conclusion because if you respected them and knew them well, one could never do that. What good is it to complain constantly? To nag? To put people down? Take that energy to another place. Find a solution and be proactively solving the problem. Stop complaining, nagging and putting people down and talking behind people's back.

If you do talk behind someone's back unintentionally, then it could've been something you would've said to the person's face but never go the chance because that person always had the "last word" or "first word" or pretty much "all the words". But observation and insult are two different things. An insult is intentional to hurt someone to say bad things about people consciously. Observations is seeing something about the way you interact with someone like taking people in "doses". Not everyone can interact with others constantly, there's a time and a place.

I'm tired, I'm emotionally exhausted, I feel like ... muddy water.

Friends trust each other, friends are considerate, they listen, they are concerned, they stand up for you instead of loving the sound of their own voice, they appreciate, they don't jump to conclusions, they try to make your life easier instead of harder, they listen to you when you are upset instead of trying to stir the pot, they make you feel special when everything else seems grey, most importantly, friends know how to tell you like it is without hurting your feelings.

-A

What makes one happy vs. what makes one successful?

Its been awhile since I wrote anything on this online journal and I think its time I start writing again. This past semester, my last semester in university, as been very self revealing. I learned more about what's important to me and the potential that I have when I really put my mind to something. I'm rather proud of my thesis paper I wrote... I titled it "Global Civil Society and its Effect on Non-Governmental Organizations" and of course the visuals I created for my fourth year seminar class on Strategic Communications for a campaign for child poverty in Kitchener Waterloo. I loved doing it.... what's more both of these things made me happy.

I'm on the job hunt now. I was hoping to get a job before I ended university but I guess things don't always go the way I want them to. I'm a candidate for BBDO as an account coordinator for Mercedes Benz and for Johnson&Johnson and Wrigley's. I am also up for a job in Ottawa as a strategic planner/account manager for a strategic graphic design firm H3Creative. I'm currently volunteering my time at UNAC (the United Nations Assoc. of Canada) as the Chief of Staff and the Chargee d'Affair for the CANIMUN (Canadian International Model United Nations Conference) which is happening in March. I love my job at CANIMUN because it combines what I'm good at (aka. managing people and events) and my belief that perhaps I'm not the best person to enter ground work for the UN however, I can encourage those young people who do have the guts and the power to do such things to go out and do them. There are so many students out there that want to help, but have no idea how to get involved. This is my chance to help and to get them involved.

Which brings us back to the title of this blog which is happy vs. successful. Does success breed happiness? Of course! Perhaps not the center of all happiness however, it does bring us joy to know we did a good job. However, I also think success is a green eyed monster. Success to those who define it as not only doing well at their job but as being famous, well known, looked up to, to achieve attention... that kind of success may be detrimental at the end. What if I want to be happy and successful in life? I want to be able to define success as me being happy. I want a job that makes me happy. Will advertising for Mercs or J&J make me happy? I'm not so sure. These are both prestigious positions at a very well known advertising firm however whom am I helping? Whom is benefiting from my work? The consumer? (The consumer that purchase goods to only waste more precious resources we don't have?) The corporation? (The corporation that only cares about the bottom line? The corporation that cares very little about how the goods are made but they are made cheaply to be sold cheap to people in wealthier countries?). I am a UNAC volunteer, I was the head delegate of my UN team at school, I wrote papers about NGO reconstruction, about elimination of child poverty, about humanitarian photography exhibitions that tell a story. By taking those jobs these.. prestigious, glamour jobs, am I losing myself and what I believe in? I know I don't seek to be rich though I don't want to be thinking about money either. I don't need a mansion and a pretty car. I don't need the newest and best electronic devices. What makes me smile is not my job, I am not my job, I am what I believe in. I think what I"m trying to say is that my heart is torn between alluring prestige and honest contributing work that would better this world. There are not many people who would join the UN, who believe in a better government, who believe that this world can be better if we try. Given the chance to make millions of dollars vs. helping someone, its easy to see how people would choose personal gain.

I was watching the constant gardener tonight for the 2nd time with my mother and I was just thinking there is this scene where there is a woman, a child and a man and they are walking back from the city where they had just gone to see the doctor. It will take them the entire day to walk home. A couple was in a jeep driving and the woman asks the man to pull over and to pick up these unfortunate people.
Man Says: "We can't afford to involve ourselves in their lives Tessa"
Tessa asks "Why?"
Man says "Be reasonable, there are millions of people, they all need help. Its what the agencies are here for"
Tessa says "Yeah, but these are three people WE can help".

I'm not out to help everyone and everything and try to bring world peace. But at least, in my life on this green earth I call home, I'd like to see it just a little better. To know I did my part to help someone else would make me feel accomplished. So perhaps the answer seems clear. Why work for Mercs when I could work for a small advertising form generating community messages. To plan galas to fund raise money to help those who cannot help themselves? I know I gotta help myself before others, but if I have a job, then I can start to think of ways to help others. Perhaps working for H3 would be better as I would get to do a lot more. I won't rip my soul apart trying to find ways to repair the damage I've done working for multi million dollar corporations only to gain mlllions of more dollars to pollute the air.

It does seem stupid that I have to think over this decision. But I want prestige but not if the cost is that high I think.

A song by Yael Naim - New Soul
I'm a new soul I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take.
But since I came here felt the joy and the fear finding myself making every possible mistake

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

I'm a young soul in this very strange world hoping I could learn a bit about what is true and fake.
But why all this hate? Try to communicate finding just that love is not always easy to make.

la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

This is a happy end cause' you don't understand everything you have done why's everything so wrong

this is a happy end come and give me your hand I'll take your far away.

Cheers,
A.

Vertical Horizon

I know you want an explanation, a reason, anything to settle that tugging emptiness inside you. I know my words aren't comforting... I know knowing I am happy won't be any consolation. However, you'll always be in my heart and if nothing that makes me smile. For this I am grateful you are in my life.

"He's everything you want,
He's everything you need,
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be.
He says all the right things,
At exactly the right time,
But he means nothing to you
and you don't know why..."

Forever and always part of my heart belongs to you....

I would sing to you...

Janice, Wei Lan -- Never let you go

the rain, just never seems to bring
the joy, I feel the same,
everlasting pain of my loss remains

My heart, can't seem to learn to part
the hold you left your mark
all that I dreamed of now it seems so stark

Tho I told myself won't hold my breath
a part of me was dying
there is nothing left for me to do now, but give in

If you gave me, one chance to tell you how I was feeling
I would sing to you and tell you I won't live my life without you
if you gave me, one chance to tell you how I was feeling
I would hold your hand and look in your eyes and ya know, I'd never let you go

The way, you left me on the train
I don't know what to say
I remember everything of that day

I can't, believe we'd never dance
I just need one more chance
to share the sunset our one last romance

Tho I told myself won't hold my breath
a part of me was dying
there is nothing left for me to do now, but give in

If you gave me, one chance to tell you how I was feeling
I would sing to you and tell you I won't live my life without you
if you gave me, one chance to tell you how I was feeling
I would hold your hand and look in your eyes and ya know, I'd never let you go